Life as a Veteran during a time of war

this post was not planned, but i don't think a lot of us anticipated the US's current events with Iran, and i certainly didn't anticipate having these emotions.

this morning after i woke up and was getting dressed, simultaneously scrolling through Facebook, i saw yet another post about all the US troops that are currently deploying to the middle east in response to the recent events with Iran. after seeing this again, i immediately began crying. yep. crying.

now, in case you weren't aware, a majority of those troops being deployed are from Fort Bragg, NC, which is where i spent pretty much all of my service. so why did i experience so much emotion to start my day off crying in my room? because this rapid deployment comes only days after my official ETS (or end of service date) in the Army and i feel so guilty and angry with myself that i will not be one of those Soldiers deploying. i know we are not technically at war with Iran and i'm hoping that this is just President Trump doing a show of force to prevent a war before it even begins, but i cannot help but feel something akin to survivors' guilt that i took myself out of the option to be one of our incredibly brave and honorable Soldiers who just left everything behind at the drop of a hat to protect our country.

i'm not writing this post to elicit sympathy or the types of responses and consolation a therapist would give. (i think i've been in enough therapy to know what a therapist would say to my feelings LOL.) i am writing this because i am sure i am not alone in these feelings. everyone has their own reasons for joining the military, and i believe all those who serve, no matter what their reason for joining, are very deserving of the support and thanks of the American people. but the Bible verse i've found that sums up MY reasons for joining best is Isaiah 6:8:

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" and I said, "Here I am! Send me!".

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not only is this rapid deployment of troops right after I officially retired from the military, but they're also mostly from my community! where i know lots of Soldiers and their families. and i can't help but feel angry at myself for not being able to go with them.

the first time i felt this way was the weekend after i decided to move units after the sexual assault to get a fresh start. i left the unit i was in when it happened, where about half of the troops were currently deployed, and that very first weekend, an acquaintance and fellow Lieutenant was killed in action.

i feel so guilty for choosing myself over my country (again not asking for consolation or therapist-type thoughts LOL). i feel angry that i "gave up" on the military after the sexual assault. i feel angry that the military allowed me to be soooo distracted fighting this sexual assault case, that i was barely doing my job as an Army Officer and leader. and i feel so angry at my perpetrator, that he thought he was so self-important, that it was ok to assault me, leading to this entire chain of reactions that caused myself and the Army to fight that small sexual assault battle for years, taking away our focus from our primary job of serving our country.

i know some will say, well you did your time, you volunteered and that's what matters. but this still brings up one of the biggest triggers and struggles the rape caused in me. that this is NOT how i wanted my time in the military to be. and the other thing that makes me mad is, i wanted to deploy! i wanted to be over with the troops in the most danger, and a lot of Soldiers feel this way! i had to explain to my parents one time, "it's like training and training and training 24/7 for a football game and then not getting to play in the game, while all your teammates are out there working so hard, and in our case, risking their lives." i'm so angry that all this forced the military to take away my primary focus of serving and i'm angry with myself for allowing it.

now, all that being said, a year or even a few months ago, these emotions would have sent me running to my victim advocate/mentor/therapist-type figure crying and unable to cope. but now i'm able to sort through these feelings on my own, and even share them, un-ashamed, to others. so that in itself is a win.

i write this, (here comes the therapist-type thoughts... LOL)... to say to myself and others who have similar emotions, "it's ok to feel this way. we did our part. now let's focus on preventing these military sexual assaults, so that others following us, who joined the military to serve and to be sent to protect our country, can always focus on THAT, their primary job of fighting our nation's adversaries, and not waste their time fighting the system and the few bad apples who believe it is ok to hurt their fellow Soldiers in arms".

as always, i thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts, and i pray for all those brave men and women and their families who are currently serving overseas...

and for ALL those who have served, are serving, or will serve:

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!!